For the love of mornings

Mornings are like hitting the refresh button for me. I love them. I wish I could allow you to grasp just how much I love mornings.
I know, there are haters. They view the morning as an ending to much needed rest. And don't get me wrong, I love my sleep. I love my sleep so much that sometimes I go to bed around 8 PM, so I know I can get at least 8 or 9 hours of sleep. But this is only prompted by my love of the mornings.
My husbands alarm goes off around 5, and I am usually stirred by that annoying beep, beep, beep. He hits the snooze. I'm not a snooze girl. It makes the actually getting up part so much harder. And the 5 AM wake-up call happens if and only if the little one hasn't needed me earlier. Jude's a good sleeper. I'm very fortunate. But sometimes he wakes up starving (or so he thinks) at 4 AM. So after a much needed diaper change and bottle, he (usually) goes back down for another couple of hours. Don't hate. I know, I know. I'm lucky. My mom said I cried every night until I was four, and I prayed that he wouldn't take after me. So far, he takes after his Daddy. Whew, it could have been bad.
After the alarms and the baby, I get up, fix coffee (Duh!), make Jon's lunch, start a load of laundry, make myself drink a cup of water (Apparently, it's really good for you.), search for a clean coffee cup, pour my first cup, and boom! My day has started.
There are people who don't drink coffee. Jon just read an article the other day about how you shouldn't drink it at all. I wish I had that desire, but I think they are crazy! There is nothing better than pouring that first cup of Folgers right into my empty cup and taking that sip. It's marvelous. I have a friend from college who didn't drink coffee at all until after we met. I like to say her new-found addiction is in part prompted by me. She now has three or four different types of coffee makers. Proud friend right here!
When Jon leaves, I find my spot at the dining room table and breathe. It's my moment. It's the moment when I am thankfully and gratefully unneeded for just a few minutes. It's the time where I can do whatever it is I want without being interrupted or worried I will distract or affect someone else. Usually, it's my moment to be with the Lord. Just me and Him. He has allowed me to see this moment as more than a block of time. He allows me to dwell in the silence, with the exception of the bird choir outside my window. You can hear them even if the window is shut, but I usually slip on my sweater and wrap up in a blanket just so I can open the window and fully experience their love of mornings too.
It's my moment. And mommas, I know you hear me out when I say, we all need a moment. I can be creative or silent, read or pray, even look at a magazine and plan my dream home, but it's this moment that makes me love the mornings. I earn a new self when I take this time for me. And day after day, I need a new self. The old self is tired and frustrated and harmful with words, so I take my moment to ask God to help me be a better self today. I ask for His refreshing and renewing Spirit to take hold of my sinful self and reset me. And believe me, He always, always hears me.
It's the mornings when I don't take this moment that I lose true self and become this overly sensitive, worn down creature that I try to avoid if at all possible. It happens. Sometimes, I don't take this moment and realized that I was relying on my own strength to be everything everyone needed me to be. It's impossible! It is truly the most taxing and exhausting thing a person can do, especially a momma, or a wife, or a homemaker, or a boss, or a worker, or a student, or a _______ (fill in your blank). Everyone needs this moment. We are better humans if we take moments for ourselves.
I know, you're thinking this moment doesn't exist for you. Like there is no possible way for this moment to be born, let alone accustomed. Let me tell you, make it happen! Lock yourself in the bathroom, go on a drive with the windows down and the music blaring, go somewhere no one else is willing to go. I promise you, once you start, you'll never want to quit.
So whether you love mornings and coffee and birds or not, find your moment. We are sinful, fleshy selves and we can not do it all on our own. We are WEAK. Do you hear me? We are weak human beings and we can NOT have it together all the time. When we realize that and honor our weaknesses, we can then find freedom and newness in Him.

Becoming Momma made me beautiful

Momma. I think that's what he'll call me. Although, he's a rather determined, feisty little fella. He may decide that Mom or Mommy or silly face suits him better. Regardless of what he calls me or I call him, he's my little man, my little shadow - the one whose heart beats alongside mine. 

When I conceived, I was a little shocked. OK, I was a lot shocked, even devastated. I don't like calling him an accident because God doesn't accidentally do anything. Every strand of my life is intricately designed and put into motion by my sweet Lord for my benefit. But sometimes it takes a while for me to wrap my head around it all. I'm human. Just because I know the Lord as my personal Savior doesn't mean that my mind automatically sees the good in all of life's situations. No. Sometimes, I want to scream and kick and question the Lord. And that's OK. He knows I'm human, and He knows that eventually I will see the big picture. And believe me, I know now one of the many reasons He made me Momma. 

You see, I've never seen myself as beautiful in the right here and now. In my head, I see the beautiful girl with a wonderful shape that I dream of becoming. So I've worked endlessly at the gym, on the track, doing workout DVDs, Pinterest-ing healthy recipes, trying to "eat clean", turning my nose up to sweets and even wholesome good-for-you foods. I've had a problem. 

I, yes I, have dealt with a negative body image for as long as I can remember. When I got to high school, I discovered that if I cut my calories way back and ran every day I would lose weight. So I did. I developed an eating disorder and obsessed over running/working out. It plagued me until college where I realized I had a problem, and I needed to do something about it. But I wasn't serious about it. I still wanted that awesome body and thin figure I saw other girls have without trying. They were so confident. They didn't care if they missed a day at the gym or ate the piece - heck, five pieces - of pizza just because they were craving it. I envied their contentment with themselves. But I was trapped. Trapped in a mindset that abusing my body was good for it and normal human food was poison. 

I tried to get out of it. I tried to tell myself that I was crazy and that I was pretty and that I looked just as good as anyone else, but none of it mattered. The image I had in my head would never be the image I saw in the mirror because it wasn't about the image. It was about my heart. And until I asked God to change my heart and let go of the control I thought I had, I would continue to waste my time on this earth being unhappy and discontent with myself. So I prayed that God would help me and I told Him I would sacrifice my control if He would help me out of this pit. And boy, did he want sacrifice.

I didn't realize how hard being a Momma was until Jude was born. I guess no mom actually knows until they go through it. Jude didn't sleep well at all in the beginning. And nursing shifted all the weight of tending to him on my shoulders. It was tough. But I sleepily faced each day as it came - even if there were tears involved. As he got a little older, I learned how to clean my house and still tend to him. But there was no time to workout. Even thirty minutes on the treadmill was a luxury. Which - all them Mommas out there know - it takes a loooooong time before you even feel like lacing up those tennis shoes. Pat yourself on the back Mommas! Because you gave birth! And that is a mind-blowing accomplishment all in itself. 

Finally, Jude started to sleep, and I was learning how to better manage my day. I started getting on the treadmill for a few miles three times a week or more. And then I felt it, it was creeping back. That image was even more distorted now - that belly and those thighs! I secretly hoped nursing would take care of all my excess. But it wasn't seeming to help much. 
And then one day, as I was sitting on my living room floor halfway through a HIIT workout, it hit me. The more time I spend on myself, the less time and energy and passion I have for raising my child, spending time with my husband, and being used for the Lord. And for what? Right there, in that very sweaty, humbling moment, I surrendered it all. No more me. No more getting on the scale every day to see if it's budged. No more time spent abusing my already tired and worn body just so I can see a better body staring back at me in the mirror. I was ready for contentment. I was ready to shatter the image I yearned for and become the best mom, wife, friend, mentor I could be. I wanted to be used by Him in such a way that others are drawn to Him because of my contentment with the best Me. 
I was reading just the other day and found this verse - now my heart beats for it. Colossians 4:17 says,

...take heed to the ministry you have received in the Lord, that you may fulfill it.

When the Lord asked for surrender, I didn't realize the blessing I'd receive in return. Jude is staring at me as I write this. His little fuzzy, white head is bobbing up and down and he's starting to get frustrated because he can't crawl. He and his daddy are my world. And the Lord has placed me in their lives for a purpose: to love them with every part of me. My love for them is hindered until I learn to love Me completely. So I'm learning. And it's a process. I still load the Jillian Michael's DVD in the player every once in a while, and I still love to lace up my running shoes and go for a jog, but I don't allow them to plague my mind any longer. I'm loving Me, so I can fully love them. And thanking God for the ministry in which he has placed me right here, right now: Momma. 

My little bundle of Jude

Pregnancy wasn't something I prayed about. In my book, it wasn't even desirable. I wasn't baby-crazy, and honestly, it might have crossed my mind once. But even then, it was erased with thoughts of preparation like building a house, establishing my jewelry business, spending sweet time with my new husband - just us two, starting a ministry for teen girls, getting in the best shape of my life, running a half-marathon, and really just enjoying my twenties. But God had a different plan.
It would be a lie if I told you I wasn't devastated when I found out I was pregnant. There were lots of tears - and not happy ones. They were tears of frustration and confusion. I didn't understand why God would do this to me. I couldn't possibly be "Momma". My mind started racing with all the reasons God would be punishing me. Had I not been faithful? Had I not followed His will? Why, oh why, would the Lord place this responsibility on my shoulders?
And then, all at once, I understood.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have prayed for God's guidance in my life. My mom and dad taught me at a very young age that when you don't know what to do, you should ask God. And even if you think you know what to do, you should ask Him if you are making the right decision before stepping out and actually doing it. I prayed about what college to attend, what major to choose once I got there, summer jobs, who I was supposed to marry, career paths, where I was supposed to serve in ministry, and everything in-between. I don't say all this to brag on my willful dependence on the Lord. Rather, I am dependent because I can't make a decision to save my life - just ask my husband or my mom.
My life has been filled with worrying about what decision to make next. It could be something big like whether to move to a different state for a job, or something small, such as what color boot I like better (dark brown or slate). Geeze! It's so exhausting. So in my quest to be a better decision-maker, I have discovered that a complete dependency on Him makes everything easier for me - even the small stuff.
After discerning and calculating and trying to come up with every possible reason God had placed this new life in my lap, my heart changed. My thought was no longer, "Why did God do this to me?", but rather, "Why did God choose me?".
I have many, many friends who have battled infertility. Some have found that it wasn't the right time and now God has blessed them with their little bundle of joy, and others continue to battle the singular neon line on the stick. They have fought with discouragement on a monthly basis, but continue to squeeze out the last droplets of hope remaining. I would pray for them. I would pray that the Lord would give them peace until they met the right timing - His timing. But I could never wrap my head around it: this desire to have a child, to have a little one to tend to, to feed, to diaper, to coo, to feel and love and protect. It all seemed overwhelming, and I didn't understand - yet.
I sit here, now, waiting on the next move of my little fella. He doesn't kick anymore. No, he's much too big for that. His moves are slower yet more aggressive. He wiggles his feet over on my right side trying to stretch out, and his little hands squirm lower causing me to jump because I've never felt that before. It's the most peculiar thing. Jon looks at me as he watches Jude shift and stretch and says, "That has GOT to feel weird." Some evenings we just sit on the couch and watch him - our Son, his first movements.
My bags are packed. I've been working on getting his room set-up and picking out what kind of knick-knacks I actually need rather than buying everything on the "checklist" sent by the baby store. I finally picked out a bag to use as a diaper bag (because I'm too difficult to buy an actual diaper bag), and I have already tied a beautiful, I mean, manly scarf on the side because that's just what I do. I have washed all his clothes in the special baby detergent and put each and every little onesie in his dresser. I've been decorating for weeks. I've read my pregnancy book from cover to cover, and tried to mentally prepare myself for labor (this usually involves lots of prayer and a few deep breaths to try to recover). I'm terrified and excited all at once. The doctor said he's head down and ready to meet the world, to meet me. We are eager.
And then it hits me. I'm the same girl who - nine months ago - didn't want to be pregnant.
I reminisce to those first days of being mad at God for making me this way, for the nausea and the uncertainty and, what I thought was, really crappy timing. And I thank Him for His blessing of choice. His choosing of my body to carry this helpless little one who I'll raise up to serve Him.
Because Jude is something special. And God has a place for him in this world. Those prayers I prayed for God to show me how He wanted to use me are being answered - and it's got nothing to do with me. My selfish hope of starting a ministry and teaching may not be in the books. Maybe God wants to use me through Jude, and the purpose of my life is not to only impact those I come in contact with but the ones who Jude will seek out. He may be a preacher or a missionary or even a humble man with a common job who will tell others about Jesus every chance he gets. Maybe the lives I'll influence won't be because I taught a good lesson or wrote a wonderful book, but rather, because I was chosen by the Lord to carry Jude. It's not about me - it never is. It's all for HIS glory. And I am thank-full.
This little boy will be here soon, and I can't wait to start our adventures together. Because that's what life is: an adventure. Whether we're ready or not, God calls each of us to our very own. And I'm so very thankful He's guiding me through this next chapter of mine, The Adventures of Jude Henry.

Unexpected

This wasn't in the plan. You know, that major plan that everyone has laid out for their life. The one that dictates the next step: graduate high school, go to college, meet a handsome fella, get a job after college, get married, wait a few years before having kids... That's the plan.

When I woke up one morning feeling sorta sick, I didn't pay much attention to it. I have a horrible immune system, so I just figured I had picked up something. And then I started to notice how tired I was. One evening, I fell asleep on the couch with Jon (at like six o'clock). My desire for coffee disappeared. As a matter of fact, the thought of it almost disgusted me. So long Starbucks! And I was late...you know what that means. Although, this wasn't unusual for me.

After about three days of my sickness intensifying, Jon looked at me at dinner and said, "Maybe your pregnant." He had a smirk on his face and laughed at his own joke. There shouldn't have been anyway I was pregnant... My returning look allowed him to understand just what I was thinking. 

"We need to stop by CVS this evening," I said under my breath.

His smile disappeared.

There was a girl in CVS. Younger than me, she had a little one on her hip. Her mother was with her. I noticed the exhausted marks under her eyes. She seemed calm but not content. Had I been there for makeup remover or lip gloss, I might have never noticed her. But unfortunately, I wasn't. 

It seemed to take me forever to find them: the little pink boxes plastered with a cheerful woman. I think that's deceiving. As a matter of fact, I think they should have some pink, cheerful ones and then some grey, emotionless boxes. That way they would be more appealing to all customers. I wasn't there for a pink one. 

"Why are there twenty different types of tests?" I thought to myself. "I just need one."

Considering this was just a test to appease my mental and emotional state of being - and it was going to be negative - I went with the smart choice and bought the CVS brand. The lady who checked me out was all smiles, making small talk about the beautiful day. I know in her mind she probably thought I was ecstatic - racing home to see if the little blue lines show up. Little did she know, I was aching inside. I just wanted to make it through those swinging doors, unnoticed. 

We carried it around in the car with us for the rest of the evening. I felt as if I had done something wrong, like I was carrying around some illegal substance or something. What if someone looked in the door (and through the plastic bag with their ultra vision goggles) to see what we were hiding. And of course, we ran into someone we knew.

When you live in a small town and both you and your husband were born and raised there, there's a very large possibility you'll be noticed. I had to slide it under the seat as we sat with windows down discussing plans for the weekend. 

On the way home, I read every instruction and how-to on the fold-out. I was determined not to mess it up. It said the best time to take it was in the morning. This meant I would have to wait...that dreaded word. 

Jon was really quiet the next morning. We woke up at 5:20 AM, as usual. I packed his lunch and sat with him for a few minutes until he looked at me and said he'd better go. I walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye, as I do everyday. Then he turned around. 

"Let me know what the test says," he told me as he walked away.

He was smiling. He knew my heart was racing. When I am an emotional mess, he has a way of lifting me up and assuring my soul that everything is alright. And that God always has a plan. It may not be what we intended or wanted, but our Plan B was his Plan all along. He's my rock.

I waited a few minutes, staring blankly at the morning news. 

As I walked upstairs to face my doom, I knew what the test would say. I had been too sick for far too long. And this hormonal sick is unlike any normal sickness. It's a nagging, debilitating stomach ache. It's terrible.

I read the instructions one more time. When the Box AND the Circle has a line through it, your pregnant. When only the Box has a line, you're not pregnant. Got it. 

Without even waiting the "two minutes" the box recommends - actually I didn't have to wait at all - the bright blue line seemed to sparkle in the Circle. I knew it would. But the finality of the neon Circle seemed to push me over the edge. I walked into our bedroom, in shock, and just sat there for almost an hour. Thoughts raced through my head.

"How did this happen? 

I can't be pregnant.

Jon's going to flip.

What are we going to do?

We weren't supposed to have children yet.

What happened to waiting three years so Jon and I could have quality time?

I'm going to get fat.

I won't be able to run as much.

I'm not a mom.
I'm still a kid.

I don't even know how to hold an infant.

Should I have bought the brand name test?

Could it be wrong?

No, it's not wrong.

Why am I sooooo sick?

I hope it's not twins.

We don't have room for a child.

We'll have to move.
But where?

I have three weddings to be in next month.

I'll be sick on our vacation!

What is Jon going to think?

How will I ever tell my parents or friends?

I'm the one who said I wasn't ready to have kids yet.

I'm not ready to have a kid yet.

Lord, why did you allow this to happen?"

And there, right there, I did the very thing I said I'd never do. I know that God has everything in His control. He knows what's best for us, even when we don't. So why question Him? Why not just accept it - as hard and as difficult as it might be? He know's the why.

Because we're human. And I've come to find out that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've had difficult things happen in my life. I've experienced losses, and break ups, and upsets of my plan, and church moves, and hurts from other people. But this was different. It was almost as if life as I knew it had ended. And it did to some extent. 

I was confused - very confused. And when the second test showed just as positive as the first, I melted all over again. I sat around the house the rest of the day just pondering. I was sick, for one thing, and there's not much you can do when you have to run to the toilet every so often. But I was mentally unable to deal with anyone or anything. I just wanted Jon to come home. He would know what to do.

I had text him the news earlier, but didn't discuss it much because he was at work. I didn't have to hide from anyone, he did.

When he walked in the door, I slouched down in the recliner, put my hands on my face and my head down. 

"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

He came over and hugged me as the tears just started flowing. Both of us in shock, he just sat with me. When I had let out all the tears I had, I walked upstairs with him as he looked at the tests. 

"So the Circle means it's positive?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Did you take them both at the same time?" He was obviously looking for a way of escape, too.

"No. I waited a few hours," I mumbled. "But it was still very positive."

As I stared blankly at the tests, he walked into the bedroom and laid down on the bed. It was his turn to contemplate. I laid down beside him. Both of us feeling inadequate for the job at hand and too surprised to know how to handle it. I looked up at him. His big tender-hearted eyes filled with tears. Mine did too. So we sat for almost an hour, holding onto each other, praying for answers.
_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm good now. And he's great! I don't think I've ever seen him so excited. But it has taken time. The Lord had to deal with my heart for a while.

I never understood people being mad at the Lord. How could you distance yourself from the one and only Great I Am, the Prince of Peace, the Creator of the universe? If He made us, then He obviously knows what's best for us.

But sometimes our humanity gets a hold of us. We think we have everything laid out just perfectly in our scrapbook of life. We have all the pictures of the places we want to go and the people we want to spend it with just waiting to be permanently glued. And just when we reach for the glue gun, the wind blows all our our perfectly organized pictures and captions in the floor. We get mad.

After months of praying and taking all my insecurities to the Lord, I've picked all those pictures and backgrounds and funny captions and plans of adventures up off the floor. I've decided to leave my book blank - waiting for Him to pick out the content. I'll just follow His lead.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm 16 weeks now. WOW! Yes, I'm just as shocked as you. The morning sickness has ceased (yay!), and I am ready to take on the world - just as long as I can take a nap and grab a snack every few hours or so.

The Lord is dealing with my heart daily. He is working on making it softer and kinder. It's not about me - or even Jon - anymore. Everything I do and say hinders on this little one inside me. I need to be the best me for little one. I need to have the closest relationship with the Lord for little one's sake. I need to eat nutritious (except for the Cheerwine in my fridge) and eat enough for little one's growth. I need to be careful exercising for little one. And most importantly, I need to rely on the Lord and trust Him with my whole heart for little one.

Pray with me as we hike up this mountain of life together! You may not be unexpectedly pregnant, but I know for you there's something. Something you can't quite wrap your head around or understand. Just remember...

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8

Until next time!




Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Beauty-full, Part 1

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  Psalm 139:14

Oh, how I love this verse. If you know me well, you'll know that I have devoted my life to this verse.  After many years of struggling with an eating disorder and trying to constantly be fitter, stronger, leaner, I found my spirit exhausted and ugly. It was, and continues to be, a dark, haunting sin; I pray every morning for restoration - a clean mind and a pure heart.

The last few years have shaped me. God has opened my eyes to His love for me, no matter what I look like as long as I am developing a healthy lifestyle and joyful soul. With that being said, I daily seek out His promises in the Word.  The Bible has been my instruction book lately. I'm not good with directions - just ask Jon. So I have put my trust totally, completely, and wholly in God.

But I still struggle. And unfortunately, I know it will be a struggle I'll deal with, well, forever.

I have hidden my scales. OK - I didn't technically "hide" them, but I put them on the highest shelf in our bathroom closet so that I wasn't tempted to jump on them. After getting out of college, finding a new job (and then another), being engaged and planning a wedding, getting married, holidays, etc.  I had put on a few pounds. I thought I was OK with it.  I thought I had trained myself to accept where I am in life and realize I'll never be the weight I was in high school. But I was mistaken.

A few months ago, I went on another crazy restrictive diet. I have IBS... Yes, I know. Gross. But, hey, it's part of living in this sinful world. Imperfections, right? So my diet is already extremely limited. I have to eat gluten-free and watch how much acid I eat. Dairy is also bad, as well as some vegetables and beans. Golly! It's been a huge undertaking. With that being said, "diets" are really hard for me. But - being the stubborn or I like to say "determined" - individual I am, I dieted.

Every morning I would hop on the scales, only to be disappointed by the neon red numbers plastered across the three inch screen. Oh how such a small thing can make such a large impact on the soul. Up three pounds, down one. Down two pounds, up five.  It's the curse of being a woman: constant weight fluctuation. My days would go according to the number. Down two pounds? Woo hoo! It would be a good day for sure! Up one? The day could not possibly get any longer. You get the picture.

So! I have decided to challenge myself to see how long I can go without weighing myself. As a matter of fact, I might just get rid of the flashing red, tormenting box all together. We don't notice the gentle slope of mental-destruction until God proves how ridiculous we are. And we can never, ever, EVER be restored unless we seek Him with our whole heart.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Daily, I seek out verses that prove God's love for me. And He has revealed to me how that this struggle of mine is not only a fleshly weakness but a sin. Weaknesses are pitied.  They are lifted high, given attention to, and granted excuses for. That's not my goal. I have drawn attention away from my sin for far too long. I want to accept it for what it is and ask for forgiveness for it.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

Yesterday, I was studying a verse in Habakkuk that a respected friend had told me to read. And as I was reading, I happened to read the whole book... If you've never read this book of the Bible, go read it! It's beautiful! And if you're willing to study it a little, you'll find wisdom kindly nestled between the lines.

The verse I found on my adventure for precious wisdom, Habakkuk 2:18, perfectly described the situation.

What profit is the image, that its maker should carve it, the molded image, a teacher of lies, that the maker of its mold should trust in it, to make mute idols?

Oh, how true! The image, the idol is formed by its sin-ridden maker. It is created from human hands. Each portion of the image is carved using worldly tools.  The Lord asks, "Why would you trust in a man-made idol? Why would you ask it for healing? Why would you trust in its 'lies'? Why would you put your souls very existence in something that YOU have shaped? It is pointless. It will do you no good."

 My body - our bodies - must be treated with great care.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19

God has "formed my inward parts" (Psalm 139:13). Why should I try to make it something it is not. I go to the gym to "sculpt" my legs. I limit my food intake to "trim" my waist. I try my very hardest to make my body what it is not. And for what purpose?

There isn't one.  The Lord plainly tells us how purposeless it is for us to spend so much time making ourselves look a certain way, be a certain size, wear certain clothes that parade all of our hard work. I am reminded of the countless hours I spend morning after morning staring in the mirror trying to find something to wear; the hours I spend jumping on the treadmill because I "just have to run two miles" to feel complete for the day; the times I need "a few extra minutes" to look over the menu to make sure what I put in my mouth won't be detrimental to my diet; the number of sit-ups, push-ups, high knees I push my body through to be more, to be better - carving my idol.

My body, my idol. Oh, how God must look down and see a foolish girl. A girl who bypasses her Creator each and every day. A girl who misses out on beautiful moments of life because she is too busy carving her already perfect image. I want to see through His eyes.

So I pray. I pray hard. Every day, I pray that the Lord will help me to accept ME for who I am and to stop trying to change a perfect piece of His handiwork. I want the Lord to help me rid my mind and soul of this sin. It's a sin. I have learned that if I accept it as a sin, I'll quit delaying the healing my body needs. If I just ask, I know He promises to forgive me and remedy my weakness.

Maybe you know what this is like? Maybe you find yourself jumping on the scales in the morning to define yourself, or pushing yourself harder and harder at the gym so that you can fit into those skinny jeans.  Let me just tell you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And I promise, with every ounce of my heart, that GOD LOVES YOU. And he has made you perfect, already! Our appearance doesn't make us ready for heaven. And if we spend too much time focusing on selfish gain, we will watch the world slip through our fingers to our enemy. So beYOUtiful.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

So journey with me to becoming -full.

Beauty-full.




From your soul sister,

Elizabeth

The Beginning of -fullness

Job 42:2   -   I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

I find myself in awe at the presence of His Spirit.  Sitting - alone - at my quaint painted-one-million-times hammy-down table, I feel Him.  His tender whispers to me transform my ugly flesh.  With each breath, He unveils to me my faults, my human-tendencies only to bless me with his promises - truth.

From this, now, holy place I at which I sit, I can watch His creations - birds, squirrels, the well-fed stray cats.  This old coral-painted flea market chair holds me.  The well-stained tabletop serves as my desk, dinner surface, work bench.  It's a place that only I know and a place only I would consecrate as spirit-filled.

It is here where I found a promise letter He wrote to me.  I hear Him sing the Psalm (vs. 37:4),

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

How true do I find this verse now!  I am on a new adventure - one like never before.  My soul transformation endeavor is long overdue.  I awake every morning with a new song on my heart, Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me.  I am discovering that the closer I get to Him, the more like Him I try to become, the moments I seek him in the stillness, I find Him near me.  I find His Spirit driving my very existence.  The laundry seems less painful if I'm full of His hymns.  The mountain of dishes looks a little smaller with His sweet hand-written promises taped on the cabinet above.  The load of work on the job seems less exaggerated with His joy in my heart and His verses on my mind.

He is calling me.  It started with a simple resolution to be less like the world, to put a harness on my mouth and purify my heart's thoughts.

Psalm 19:14   -   Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. 

This verse has become my daily mantra.  It is plastered on my planner, on my desk at work, on my refrigerator, and even in my car.  Because I know, that unless I can walk according to His word and try my best to be less like the world, I will not be used by Him.  Through Him, I can shine.  Through Him, I can be a light to the world and only through Him.  Through Him, I can see the daily grind with His eyes, seek opportunities for sharing His mercy, love, and peace.  Through Him, I can reach the lost souls.  Through Him, I can love better.  Through Him, I can find joy, beauty, peace, wonder, abundance, hope, you name it!  Through Him, life is better.

I am on a journey to be -full.  His -fullness is the only thing that can truly overload our souls.  Not with a temporary -full, but a -FULLNESS that exceeds any worldly pleasure or ecstasizing high.  We can be forever -full.

But we must put forth an effort.

First, we must be assured of our salvation.  Salvation means deliverance from our fleshly bodies by the saving grace of His death on the cross.  If you are reading this and have never come to  know Jesus as your savior, let me promise you, it is the best decision you will ever make.  I can't let this opportunity pass by.  Allow me to share with you His love.

First, you must ADMIT that you aren't perfect.  And there are things that you've done and said that you can never take back on your own.  You must come to the realization that you are a sinner.  We all are.  The Bible says in Romans 3:23,

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Next you must BELIEVE that Jesus died on the cross for YOU!  And that He would have died on that cross just for you, regardless of everyone else.  John 3:16-17 says,

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Can we add some exclamation points to "life" and "saved"?  How exciting is that!  Jesus came to earth - sent by His Father - to die on the cross for you and I.  After being saved for 16 years, I still can not come to understand that kind of love.  I don't believe I ever will.

Lastly, you must CONFESS that Jesus Christ is Lord and proclaim your decision to those you love.  Maybe it's your family, your husband, your best friend, your pastor, your children.  This decision isn't one to be ashamed about.  It is one that can be shared with pride and courage.  It is the decision that will change your life forever.  Romans 10:9-10 shares with us this:

That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

If you have just made this decision, I pray you tell someone about it.  You could even take a moment and send me a message about it.  I would love to hear your story so that I, too, can share in your excitement!

Maybe you have already assured your life with Christ.   Maybe you have been a Christian for a long time, but you're struggling to find the time for Him.  Your days drag on, yet you wake up every once in a while and realize that the years are flying by.  That your life needs more.  That your moments need to be -fuller.

Maybe you're a new believer; you're trying to figure out this whole Christ-filled life.  You need strength, wisdom, courage.  You desire to seek Him with your all, but you find it hard to let go of the person you used to be, the things you used to love.

Let's journey together!  Each and every one of us!  I am finding that in my -fullest moments I am enveloped by His love and seeing through His eyes.  I am finding joy in the mundane, beauty amongst the bland, grace covers regrets, peace during the flurries of life.  I have yet to find all the -fulls He has to offer.  I want to be filled.  I want to be beautiful, graceful, joyful, thoughtful, purposeful, truthful.  Join me in this adventure.  I promise His grace will fill you - eternally.

Lord, this is your servant Elizabeth.  I pray, God, that you will fill me with Your presence.  Allow me to see today as a blessing and provide me the opportunity to share your word.  Make me see the beauty of each moment you create.  Help me to transform my mind and purify my heart.  Keep my words from being what I want to say to what would be glorifying to You.  Thank you, Lord, for dying on that old rugged cross for me!  You are too wonderful for me to fully understand.  But thank you for always guiding me and loving me, despite my sinful ways.  Thank you, Lord.  Amen. 

Heavy Hearted

I took this on my wintry walk down my
driveway just this morning.

For some reason, God has desperately put it on my heart to write.  But where is the time?  Where is the energy?  Where is the motivation to sit down at a computer and come up with words that go together, that sound good, or even make sense to the person digesting them?  And now as I sit here, with this heart-thudding conviction, I realize that I don’t have to do it.  I don’t have to physically type the words, nor do I mentally have to orchestrate the prose.  He’ll do it for me.

Not too long ago, I was co-leading a young ladies’ small group on a Wednesday night at church.  We sat in a circle at the front of the room and began to discuss our idols.  A few nights before, I had been severely convicted about my own idols.  One of which is fitness. 

My past struggles with self-image have birthed a need to be in extremely good shape.  And it’s not the kind where running a few miles will suffice.  I mentally convince myself that if I don’t run at least five to six times a week and do some sort of strength training three times a week, then I am out of shape.  In my head, I see a girl who put on five pounds simply because she took a few days off due to time-restraints.  It’s a daily struggle.  And now that I am aware of my weakness, I realize that it is nothing more than an idol; a trick played by satan to make me think I am not quite good enough; a mind-game that ignites this selfish-tendency so that I am side-tracked from bringing hurting and unfulfilled people to Christ through His spirit in me.  I am more willing to give up my devotional time to jump on the treadmill which will bring me little to no satisfaction or fulfillment.  It’s a curse that I have endured for a while; I believe it will be a struggle of mine for the rest of my life.  But I know now that I have a loving Savior that sees me as beautiful just because He made me.  There is no lunge, no sprint, no push-up that will ever bring me remotely close to the beauty that God has put inside of me. 

I shared part of my testimony with these lovely girls.  I have realized that God has allowed me to struggle through parts and issues of life for a reason: it’s a story that can be used to use to encourage others.  As I shared, I watched their eyes hold to mine.  We each had a similar story.  When I was finished, I listened as girl-after-girl allowed their struggle with self-esteem to flow freely in the midst of us all.  There were tears in many of our eyes because there was no judgment but rather acceptance and understanding.  However, the tears from my own eyes were different.  In the midst of watching each girl reveal a piece of her heart, I felt a renewing of my soul and my purpose. 

You see, God has shown me bits and pieces of His plan for my life throughout the last two years or so.  They haven’t been easy.  At times, His blueprint gnawed at the edges of my heart.  Some revelations were exciting and uplifting!  Like when He allowed me to study from home this semester.  It was an answer to prayer both financially and emotionally.  I needed it, and He apparently agreed.  But then there were disasters.  He wrecked some of my relationships.  To this day, there are things that I still don’t understand why He asked me to remove or take hold of certain people in my life, but I trust Him.  I hold on to his endearing and everlasting love for me.  That’s what keeps me going.  But as I have lived through His purpose the last few years, I have found uncertainty within myself. 

Like right now, I have no idea what God seeks for my life beginning in May.  I will graduate college with a degree in public relations.  I am living at home.  I am single.  I do have a car (so that’s a plus!).  I don’t have any foresight about a job.  I love to write.  I like fashion.  I am mastering the art of baking (with my aqua-colored KitchenAid mixer).  I eventually want to start my own non-profit organization for self-esteem.  And yet at this very moment, I have absolutely no clear direction.  Actually, if I were to metaphorically take you to my future plans, I would place you in the middle of Antarctica where nothing happens besides the melting of a few glaciers and a penguin sloshing around. 

But you know what?  I still have faith in HIS timing and HIS course.

I wish I could start now.  I wish I could write on a daily basis and hold conference after conference to encourage you and remind you of your beauty in Him. 

The conference center that I worked at this summer has asked me to speak at their Daughters of the King event this April.  I encourage you to check it out if you are interested or if God has laid someone on your heart.  It is an awesome opportunity that I am so grateful I get to be part of.  It’s another piece of the puzzle that God is revealing and I’m intrigued and in awe as I watch Him unfold it.

I’ll leave you with this quote which I found as I searched for quotes and verses to create my “Door of Beauty” (stay tuned to find out what it is).  The quote comes from Captivating by John and Stasi Edlredge (which I highly recommend). 

“Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman.  We know that.  Somewhere down deep we know it to be true.  Most of our shame comes from this knowing and feeling that we have failed here.  So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman.  It was given to her by God.  It was given to you.”

It is our choice of whether to believe this statement or not.  It is true.  There is no doubt about it.  As I’ve read over and over Psalm 139 (because it’s my favorite scripture), I have come to know and believe that God made me.  He knit together every last part of me.  And because He makes all things beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11), I know that I am beautiful because He is the one who lives in me and who designed every ounce of my body, my beauty.  There is nothing I can do to make myself any more beautiful because it is not orchestrated by God.  He’s already done all the work.  All I have to do is embrace the loveliness in which He has entrusted me.

So at this very minute, it’s your choice to start embracing your own beauty.  Remember this:

“But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (His Spirit), which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4)

With a heart full of passion and uncertainty,

Elizabeth