Unexpected

This wasn't in the plan. You know, that major plan that everyone has laid out for their life. The one that dictates the next step: graduate high school, go to college, meet a handsome fella, get a job after college, get married, wait a few years before having kids... That's the plan.

When I woke up one morning feeling sorta sick, I didn't pay much attention to it. I have a horrible immune system, so I just figured I had picked up something. And then I started to notice how tired I was. One evening, I fell asleep on the couch with Jon (at like six o'clock). My desire for coffee disappeared. As a matter of fact, the thought of it almost disgusted me. So long Starbucks! And I was late...you know what that means. Although, this wasn't unusual for me.

After about three days of my sickness intensifying, Jon looked at me at dinner and said, "Maybe your pregnant." He had a smirk on his face and laughed at his own joke. There shouldn't have been anyway I was pregnant... My returning look allowed him to understand just what I was thinking. 

"We need to stop by CVS this evening," I said under my breath.

His smile disappeared.

There was a girl in CVS. Younger than me, she had a little one on her hip. Her mother was with her. I noticed the exhausted marks under her eyes. She seemed calm but not content. Had I been there for makeup remover or lip gloss, I might have never noticed her. But unfortunately, I wasn't. 

It seemed to take me forever to find them: the little pink boxes plastered with a cheerful woman. I think that's deceiving. As a matter of fact, I think they should have some pink, cheerful ones and then some grey, emotionless boxes. That way they would be more appealing to all customers. I wasn't there for a pink one. 

"Why are there twenty different types of tests?" I thought to myself. "I just need one."

Considering this was just a test to appease my mental and emotional state of being - and it was going to be negative - I went with the smart choice and bought the CVS brand. The lady who checked me out was all smiles, making small talk about the beautiful day. I know in her mind she probably thought I was ecstatic - racing home to see if the little blue lines show up. Little did she know, I was aching inside. I just wanted to make it through those swinging doors, unnoticed. 

We carried it around in the car with us for the rest of the evening. I felt as if I had done something wrong, like I was carrying around some illegal substance or something. What if someone looked in the door (and through the plastic bag with their ultra vision goggles) to see what we were hiding. And of course, we ran into someone we knew.

When you live in a small town and both you and your husband were born and raised there, there's a very large possibility you'll be noticed. I had to slide it under the seat as we sat with windows down discussing plans for the weekend. 

On the way home, I read every instruction and how-to on the fold-out. I was determined not to mess it up. It said the best time to take it was in the morning. This meant I would have to wait...that dreaded word. 

Jon was really quiet the next morning. We woke up at 5:20 AM, as usual. I packed his lunch and sat with him for a few minutes until he looked at me and said he'd better go. I walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye, as I do everyday. Then he turned around. 

"Let me know what the test says," he told me as he walked away.

He was smiling. He knew my heart was racing. When I am an emotional mess, he has a way of lifting me up and assuring my soul that everything is alright. And that God always has a plan. It may not be what we intended or wanted, but our Plan B was his Plan all along. He's my rock.

I waited a few minutes, staring blankly at the morning news. 

As I walked upstairs to face my doom, I knew what the test would say. I had been too sick for far too long. And this hormonal sick is unlike any normal sickness. It's a nagging, debilitating stomach ache. It's terrible.

I read the instructions one more time. When the Box AND the Circle has a line through it, your pregnant. When only the Box has a line, you're not pregnant. Got it. 

Without even waiting the "two minutes" the box recommends - actually I didn't have to wait at all - the bright blue line seemed to sparkle in the Circle. I knew it would. But the finality of the neon Circle seemed to push me over the edge. I walked into our bedroom, in shock, and just sat there for almost an hour. Thoughts raced through my head.

"How did this happen? 

I can't be pregnant.

Jon's going to flip.

What are we going to do?

We weren't supposed to have children yet.

What happened to waiting three years so Jon and I could have quality time?

I'm going to get fat.

I won't be able to run as much.

I'm not a mom.
I'm still a kid.

I don't even know how to hold an infant.

Should I have bought the brand name test?

Could it be wrong?

No, it's not wrong.

Why am I sooooo sick?

I hope it's not twins.

We don't have room for a child.

We'll have to move.
But where?

I have three weddings to be in next month.

I'll be sick on our vacation!

What is Jon going to think?

How will I ever tell my parents or friends?

I'm the one who said I wasn't ready to have kids yet.

I'm not ready to have a kid yet.

Lord, why did you allow this to happen?"

And there, right there, I did the very thing I said I'd never do. I know that God has everything in His control. He knows what's best for us, even when we don't. So why question Him? Why not just accept it - as hard and as difficult as it might be? He know's the why.

Because we're human. And I've come to find out that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've had difficult things happen in my life. I've experienced losses, and break ups, and upsets of my plan, and church moves, and hurts from other people. But this was different. It was almost as if life as I knew it had ended. And it did to some extent. 

I was confused - very confused. And when the second test showed just as positive as the first, I melted all over again. I sat around the house the rest of the day just pondering. I was sick, for one thing, and there's not much you can do when you have to run to the toilet every so often. But I was mentally unable to deal with anyone or anything. I just wanted Jon to come home. He would know what to do.

I had text him the news earlier, but didn't discuss it much because he was at work. I didn't have to hide from anyone, he did.

When he walked in the door, I slouched down in the recliner, put my hands on my face and my head down. 

"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

He came over and hugged me as the tears just started flowing. Both of us in shock, he just sat with me. When I had let out all the tears I had, I walked upstairs with him as he looked at the tests. 

"So the Circle means it's positive?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Did you take them both at the same time?" He was obviously looking for a way of escape, too.

"No. I waited a few hours," I mumbled. "But it was still very positive."

As I stared blankly at the tests, he walked into the bedroom and laid down on the bed. It was his turn to contemplate. I laid down beside him. Both of us feeling inadequate for the job at hand and too surprised to know how to handle it. I looked up at him. His big tender-hearted eyes filled with tears. Mine did too. So we sat for almost an hour, holding onto each other, praying for answers.
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I'm good now. And he's great! I don't think I've ever seen him so excited. But it has taken time. The Lord had to deal with my heart for a while.

I never understood people being mad at the Lord. How could you distance yourself from the one and only Great I Am, the Prince of Peace, the Creator of the universe? If He made us, then He obviously knows what's best for us.

But sometimes our humanity gets a hold of us. We think we have everything laid out just perfectly in our scrapbook of life. We have all the pictures of the places we want to go and the people we want to spend it with just waiting to be permanently glued. And just when we reach for the glue gun, the wind blows all our our perfectly organized pictures and captions in the floor. We get mad.

After months of praying and taking all my insecurities to the Lord, I've picked all those pictures and backgrounds and funny captions and plans of adventures up off the floor. I've decided to leave my book blank - waiting for Him to pick out the content. I'll just follow His lead.

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I'm 16 weeks now. WOW! Yes, I'm just as shocked as you. The morning sickness has ceased (yay!), and I am ready to take on the world - just as long as I can take a nap and grab a snack every few hours or so.

The Lord is dealing with my heart daily. He is working on making it softer and kinder. It's not about me - or even Jon - anymore. Everything I do and say hinders on this little one inside me. I need to be the best me for little one. I need to have the closest relationship with the Lord for little one's sake. I need to eat nutritious (except for the Cheerwine in my fridge) and eat enough for little one's growth. I need to be careful exercising for little one. And most importantly, I need to rely on the Lord and trust Him with my whole heart for little one.

Pray with me as we hike up this mountain of life together! You may not be unexpectedly pregnant, but I know for you there's something. Something you can't quite wrap your head around or understand. Just remember...

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8

Until next time!




Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Beauty-full, Part 1

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  Psalm 139:14

Oh, how I love this verse. If you know me well, you'll know that I have devoted my life to this verse.  After many years of struggling with an eating disorder and trying to constantly be fitter, stronger, leaner, I found my spirit exhausted and ugly. It was, and continues to be, a dark, haunting sin; I pray every morning for restoration - a clean mind and a pure heart.

The last few years have shaped me. God has opened my eyes to His love for me, no matter what I look like as long as I am developing a healthy lifestyle and joyful soul. With that being said, I daily seek out His promises in the Word.  The Bible has been my instruction book lately. I'm not good with directions - just ask Jon. So I have put my trust totally, completely, and wholly in God.

But I still struggle. And unfortunately, I know it will be a struggle I'll deal with, well, forever.

I have hidden my scales. OK - I didn't technically "hide" them, but I put them on the highest shelf in our bathroom closet so that I wasn't tempted to jump on them. After getting out of college, finding a new job (and then another), being engaged and planning a wedding, getting married, holidays, etc.  I had put on a few pounds. I thought I was OK with it.  I thought I had trained myself to accept where I am in life and realize I'll never be the weight I was in high school. But I was mistaken.

A few months ago, I went on another crazy restrictive diet. I have IBS... Yes, I know. Gross. But, hey, it's part of living in this sinful world. Imperfections, right? So my diet is already extremely limited. I have to eat gluten-free and watch how much acid I eat. Dairy is also bad, as well as some vegetables and beans. Golly! It's been a huge undertaking. With that being said, "diets" are really hard for me. But - being the stubborn or I like to say "determined" - individual I am, I dieted.

Every morning I would hop on the scales, only to be disappointed by the neon red numbers plastered across the three inch screen. Oh how such a small thing can make such a large impact on the soul. Up three pounds, down one. Down two pounds, up five.  It's the curse of being a woman: constant weight fluctuation. My days would go according to the number. Down two pounds? Woo hoo! It would be a good day for sure! Up one? The day could not possibly get any longer. You get the picture.

So! I have decided to challenge myself to see how long I can go without weighing myself. As a matter of fact, I might just get rid of the flashing red, tormenting box all together. We don't notice the gentle slope of mental-destruction until God proves how ridiculous we are. And we can never, ever, EVER be restored unless we seek Him with our whole heart.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Daily, I seek out verses that prove God's love for me. And He has revealed to me how that this struggle of mine is not only a fleshly weakness but a sin. Weaknesses are pitied.  They are lifted high, given attention to, and granted excuses for. That's not my goal. I have drawn attention away from my sin for far too long. I want to accept it for what it is and ask for forgiveness for it.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

Yesterday, I was studying a verse in Habakkuk that a respected friend had told me to read. And as I was reading, I happened to read the whole book... If you've never read this book of the Bible, go read it! It's beautiful! And if you're willing to study it a little, you'll find wisdom kindly nestled between the lines.

The verse I found on my adventure for precious wisdom, Habakkuk 2:18, perfectly described the situation.

What profit is the image, that its maker should carve it, the molded image, a teacher of lies, that the maker of its mold should trust in it, to make mute idols?

Oh, how true! The image, the idol is formed by its sin-ridden maker. It is created from human hands. Each portion of the image is carved using worldly tools.  The Lord asks, "Why would you trust in a man-made idol? Why would you ask it for healing? Why would you trust in its 'lies'? Why would you put your souls very existence in something that YOU have shaped? It is pointless. It will do you no good."

 My body - our bodies - must be treated with great care.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19

God has "formed my inward parts" (Psalm 139:13). Why should I try to make it something it is not. I go to the gym to "sculpt" my legs. I limit my food intake to "trim" my waist. I try my very hardest to make my body what it is not. And for what purpose?

There isn't one.  The Lord plainly tells us how purposeless it is for us to spend so much time making ourselves look a certain way, be a certain size, wear certain clothes that parade all of our hard work. I am reminded of the countless hours I spend morning after morning staring in the mirror trying to find something to wear; the hours I spend jumping on the treadmill because I "just have to run two miles" to feel complete for the day; the times I need "a few extra minutes" to look over the menu to make sure what I put in my mouth won't be detrimental to my diet; the number of sit-ups, push-ups, high knees I push my body through to be more, to be better - carving my idol.

My body, my idol. Oh, how God must look down and see a foolish girl. A girl who bypasses her Creator each and every day. A girl who misses out on beautiful moments of life because she is too busy carving her already perfect image. I want to see through His eyes.

So I pray. I pray hard. Every day, I pray that the Lord will help me to accept ME for who I am and to stop trying to change a perfect piece of His handiwork. I want the Lord to help me rid my mind and soul of this sin. It's a sin. I have learned that if I accept it as a sin, I'll quit delaying the healing my body needs. If I just ask, I know He promises to forgive me and remedy my weakness.

Maybe you know what this is like? Maybe you find yourself jumping on the scales in the morning to define yourself, or pushing yourself harder and harder at the gym so that you can fit into those skinny jeans.  Let me just tell you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And I promise, with every ounce of my heart, that GOD LOVES YOU. And he has made you perfect, already! Our appearance doesn't make us ready for heaven. And if we spend too much time focusing on selfish gain, we will watch the world slip through our fingers to our enemy. So beYOUtiful.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

So journey with me to becoming -full.

Beauty-full.




From your soul sister,

Elizabeth

The Beginning of -fullness

Job 42:2   -   I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

I find myself in awe at the presence of His Spirit.  Sitting - alone - at my quaint painted-one-million-times hammy-down table, I feel Him.  His tender whispers to me transform my ugly flesh.  With each breath, He unveils to me my faults, my human-tendencies only to bless me with his promises - truth.

From this, now, holy place I at which I sit, I can watch His creations - birds, squirrels, the well-fed stray cats.  This old coral-painted flea market chair holds me.  The well-stained tabletop serves as my desk, dinner surface, work bench.  It's a place that only I know and a place only I would consecrate as spirit-filled.

It is here where I found a promise letter He wrote to me.  I hear Him sing the Psalm (vs. 37:4),

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

How true do I find this verse now!  I am on a new adventure - one like never before.  My soul transformation endeavor is long overdue.  I awake every morning with a new song on my heart, Oh, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me.  I am discovering that the closer I get to Him, the more like Him I try to become, the moments I seek him in the stillness, I find Him near me.  I find His Spirit driving my very existence.  The laundry seems less painful if I'm full of His hymns.  The mountain of dishes looks a little smaller with His sweet hand-written promises taped on the cabinet above.  The load of work on the job seems less exaggerated with His joy in my heart and His verses on my mind.

He is calling me.  It started with a simple resolution to be less like the world, to put a harness on my mouth and purify my heart's thoughts.

Psalm 19:14   -   Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. 

This verse has become my daily mantra.  It is plastered on my planner, on my desk at work, on my refrigerator, and even in my car.  Because I know, that unless I can walk according to His word and try my best to be less like the world, I will not be used by Him.  Through Him, I can shine.  Through Him, I can be a light to the world and only through Him.  Through Him, I can see the daily grind with His eyes, seek opportunities for sharing His mercy, love, and peace.  Through Him, I can reach the lost souls.  Through Him, I can love better.  Through Him, I can find joy, beauty, peace, wonder, abundance, hope, you name it!  Through Him, life is better.

I am on a journey to be -full.  His -fullness is the only thing that can truly overload our souls.  Not with a temporary -full, but a -FULLNESS that exceeds any worldly pleasure or ecstasizing high.  We can be forever -full.

But we must put forth an effort.

First, we must be assured of our salvation.  Salvation means deliverance from our fleshly bodies by the saving grace of His death on the cross.  If you are reading this and have never come to  know Jesus as your savior, let me promise you, it is the best decision you will ever make.  I can't let this opportunity pass by.  Allow me to share with you His love.

First, you must ADMIT that you aren't perfect.  And there are things that you've done and said that you can never take back on your own.  You must come to the realization that you are a sinner.  We all are.  The Bible says in Romans 3:23,

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Next you must BELIEVE that Jesus died on the cross for YOU!  And that He would have died on that cross just for you, regardless of everyone else.  John 3:16-17 says,

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Can we add some exclamation points to "life" and "saved"?  How exciting is that!  Jesus came to earth - sent by His Father - to die on the cross for you and I.  After being saved for 16 years, I still can not come to understand that kind of love.  I don't believe I ever will.

Lastly, you must CONFESS that Jesus Christ is Lord and proclaim your decision to those you love.  Maybe it's your family, your husband, your best friend, your pastor, your children.  This decision isn't one to be ashamed about.  It is one that can be shared with pride and courage.  It is the decision that will change your life forever.  Romans 10:9-10 shares with us this:

That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

If you have just made this decision, I pray you tell someone about it.  You could even take a moment and send me a message about it.  I would love to hear your story so that I, too, can share in your excitement!

Maybe you have already assured your life with Christ.   Maybe you have been a Christian for a long time, but you're struggling to find the time for Him.  Your days drag on, yet you wake up every once in a while and realize that the years are flying by.  That your life needs more.  That your moments need to be -fuller.

Maybe you're a new believer; you're trying to figure out this whole Christ-filled life.  You need strength, wisdom, courage.  You desire to seek Him with your all, but you find it hard to let go of the person you used to be, the things you used to love.

Let's journey together!  Each and every one of us!  I am finding that in my -fullest moments I am enveloped by His love and seeing through His eyes.  I am finding joy in the mundane, beauty amongst the bland, grace covers regrets, peace during the flurries of life.  I have yet to find all the -fulls He has to offer.  I want to be filled.  I want to be beautiful, graceful, joyful, thoughtful, purposeful, truthful.  Join me in this adventure.  I promise His grace will fill you - eternally.

Lord, this is your servant Elizabeth.  I pray, God, that you will fill me with Your presence.  Allow me to see today as a blessing and provide me the opportunity to share your word.  Make me see the beauty of each moment you create.  Help me to transform my mind and purify my heart.  Keep my words from being what I want to say to what would be glorifying to You.  Thank you, Lord, for dying on that old rugged cross for me!  You are too wonderful for me to fully understand.  But thank you for always guiding me and loving me, despite my sinful ways.  Thank you, Lord.  Amen.