Heavy Hearted

I took this on my wintry walk down my
driveway just this morning.

For some reason, God has desperately put it on my heart to write.  But where is the time?  Where is the energy?  Where is the motivation to sit down at a computer and come up with words that go together, that sound good, or even make sense to the person digesting them?  And now as I sit here, with this heart-thudding conviction, I realize that I don’t have to do it.  I don’t have to physically type the words, nor do I mentally have to orchestrate the prose.  He’ll do it for me.

Not too long ago, I was co-leading a young ladies’ small group on a Wednesday night at church.  We sat in a circle at the front of the room and began to discuss our idols.  A few nights before, I had been severely convicted about my own idols.  One of which is fitness. 

My past struggles with self-image have birthed a need to be in extremely good shape.  And it’s not the kind where running a few miles will suffice.  I mentally convince myself that if I don’t run at least five to six times a week and do some sort of strength training three times a week, then I am out of shape.  In my head, I see a girl who put on five pounds simply because she took a few days off due to time-restraints.  It’s a daily struggle.  And now that I am aware of my weakness, I realize that it is nothing more than an idol; a trick played by satan to make me think I am not quite good enough; a mind-game that ignites this selfish-tendency so that I am side-tracked from bringing hurting and unfulfilled people to Christ through His spirit in me.  I am more willing to give up my devotional time to jump on the treadmill which will bring me little to no satisfaction or fulfillment.  It’s a curse that I have endured for a while; I believe it will be a struggle of mine for the rest of my life.  But I know now that I have a loving Savior that sees me as beautiful just because He made me.  There is no lunge, no sprint, no push-up that will ever bring me remotely close to the beauty that God has put inside of me. 

I shared part of my testimony with these lovely girls.  I have realized that God has allowed me to struggle through parts and issues of life for a reason: it’s a story that can be used to use to encourage others.  As I shared, I watched their eyes hold to mine.  We each had a similar story.  When I was finished, I listened as girl-after-girl allowed their struggle with self-esteem to flow freely in the midst of us all.  There were tears in many of our eyes because there was no judgment but rather acceptance and understanding.  However, the tears from my own eyes were different.  In the midst of watching each girl reveal a piece of her heart, I felt a renewing of my soul and my purpose. 

You see, God has shown me bits and pieces of His plan for my life throughout the last two years or so.  They haven’t been easy.  At times, His blueprint gnawed at the edges of my heart.  Some revelations were exciting and uplifting!  Like when He allowed me to study from home this semester.  It was an answer to prayer both financially and emotionally.  I needed it, and He apparently agreed.  But then there were disasters.  He wrecked some of my relationships.  To this day, there are things that I still don’t understand why He asked me to remove or take hold of certain people in my life, but I trust Him.  I hold on to his endearing and everlasting love for me.  That’s what keeps me going.  But as I have lived through His purpose the last few years, I have found uncertainty within myself. 

Like right now, I have no idea what God seeks for my life beginning in May.  I will graduate college with a degree in public relations.  I am living at home.  I am single.  I do have a car (so that’s a plus!).  I don’t have any foresight about a job.  I love to write.  I like fashion.  I am mastering the art of baking (with my aqua-colored KitchenAid mixer).  I eventually want to start my own non-profit organization for self-esteem.  And yet at this very moment, I have absolutely no clear direction.  Actually, if I were to metaphorically take you to my future plans, I would place you in the middle of Antarctica where nothing happens besides the melting of a few glaciers and a penguin sloshing around. 

But you know what?  I still have faith in HIS timing and HIS course.

I wish I could start now.  I wish I could write on a daily basis and hold conference after conference to encourage you and remind you of your beauty in Him. 

The conference center that I worked at this summer has asked me to speak at their Daughters of the King event this April.  I encourage you to check it out if you are interested or if God has laid someone on your heart.  It is an awesome opportunity that I am so grateful I get to be part of.  It’s another piece of the puzzle that God is revealing and I’m intrigued and in awe as I watch Him unfold it.

I’ll leave you with this quote which I found as I searched for quotes and verses to create my “Door of Beauty” (stay tuned to find out what it is).  The quote comes from Captivating by John and Stasi Edlredge (which I highly recommend). 

“Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman.  We know that.  Somewhere down deep we know it to be true.  Most of our shame comes from this knowing and feeling that we have failed here.  So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman.  It was given to her by God.  It was given to you.”

It is our choice of whether to believe this statement or not.  It is true.  There is no doubt about it.  As I’ve read over and over Psalm 139 (because it’s my favorite scripture), I have come to know and believe that God made me.  He knit together every last part of me.  And because He makes all things beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11), I know that I am beautiful because He is the one who lives in me and who designed every ounce of my body, my beauty.  There is nothing I can do to make myself any more beautiful because it is not orchestrated by God.  He’s already done all the work.  All I have to do is embrace the loveliness in which He has entrusted me.

So at this very minute, it’s your choice to start embracing your own beauty.  Remember this:

“But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (His Spirit), which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4)

With a heart full of passion and uncertainty,

Elizabeth 

A Passing Thought

There are some days I remember him more than others.  His wisdom would have been much needed in my life right about now.  Maybe he could have told me which opportunities to seek out.  Maybe he could have told me how to handle certain relationships.  Maybe he could have told me an old war story or a tale from growin' up on the farm.  Maybe he could have just sit with me in silence while we reminisced on how life used to be and how mind-blowing God's sovereignty is.  Maybe we would have went on a drive just to take in the scenery of beautiful West Virginia lands.  Maybe he would joke with me about the holes in my jeans while I tried to argue that they were comfy and "in style".  Maybe he would have held my hand as we prayed over our tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches.  Maybe I could tell him just how much I've missed him...

I wrote this poem last semester in my poetry class and I thought I would share it with you... 

The Passing

It was eating him -

the disease that is -

his kidneys and heart,

now emerging enemies.

                                              

His body, too feeble to bear the weight

of anything close to destruction,

kept him fixed in his favored blue rocker

back and forth, back and forth.

My visits to and from school

developed into yearned-for meetings;

his delight brought me back-

time and time again.

Kneeling to greet his blue eyes

he took my hand, yet

with a pause,

my nerves arose with each silence.

His weary, shaking hand raised my own,

cold lips from wars past

met my lively, soft hand with grace,

passing the baton.

You’re my girl

and you’re gonna do somethin’ great.

-Elizabeth 

Adventurous Beauty

Adventure awaits...

The Swinging Bridge, Blue Bend, W.Va.
The beginning of our exciting enterprise.

Don't you just love that? It makes me want to lace up my boots, grab my North Face, and hit the trail! I've always been an outdoor type of lady. I was raised with boys. So no, we didn't play dress up or have weddings for our Barbies or pretend that the prince was coming to save us.  Nope,  we had shoes strapped to our feet and a jacket zipped up to our necks while we explored the forest-dense swamp beyond my house until we couldn't see the sun. 

Exploring the Riverbed

The swamp was a magical land, full of mystical creatures (frogs and salamanders), rugged moss-covered tee-pees (which we built with our elementary hands), terrifying damp bridges that crossed rock-bottomed rivers of death (the 5-foot wide creek and fallen down trees), and plots of not-so-original stranded peasants triumphing the worst to reach the jungle flowing with beautiful, lime green ferns and animals.  We transformed from incapable scruffy children into majestic jungle warriors.  Bravery and beauty always persevered.   And there was always a happy ending, as long as a mom didn't interrupt by announcing dinner or a trip to town.

I miss this stage of life.  It was so simple, so uncomplicated, so wonderfully naive.  There was no conception of the world and its darkness.  Even personal issues within the family or relationships or tasks were completely oblivious from my view. 

But there is something I've held on to: a fascination with God's creation.  

The Rhododendron Trail 

God graced me with nostalgia, one of my favorites.  Deep thinking has become a hobby I have come to thoroughly enjoy.  Maybe it's because I am an introvert, but I, nonetheless, absolutely love the remembrance of what was, cherished moments in time that have made me who I am, and the critically analyzed goodness that came from what seemed like end-of-the-world situations.  It can be a curse if it is not handled with lightness.  Some choose to cleave to this realm rather than cultivate the present.  I have learned how to find a balance between the two of these rather enjoyable parts of life.  Which is why I can be thankful for the ability.

With all this being said, I am a beauty and adventure seeker.  You will notice that I didn't use the phrase "adrenaline seeker".  No, I will leave that to those who don't have a slight fear of heights and seek after the fast-paced high of the moment.  That's not me.  Exploring is more of my type of thing.  Which is why I have found  a love for hiking.  Sure, trails were made by people to be traveled by people.  So I'm not Columbus of the trail discovering the view which no other man has ever seen.  But I don't do it to be prideful, nor do I do it to compete (I have not one competitive bone in my body).  I hike and explore for me, for my eyes, for the  gratefulness that comes in the last seconds before the sun disappears beneath the snow-capped mountain top.  These moments when I am in such awe, I can hear my own heartbeat.  Because I am the only one within miles of this moment.  And I know, with every inch of my being, that God has saved it for me.  That He planned for my eyes to be halted above this desolate foot of the trail.  So He could prove to me, once again, just how impeccably impossible He is to understand.  And how that makes Him all the more praiseworthy and magnificent.

“What draws people 

to be friends 

is that they see 

the same truth. 

They share it.”

-C. S. Lewis

I recently went on a hike with a friend who's soul shares the same truth as mine.

Blue Bend - Hence the Name

My soul was in desperate need for something unknown.  So we decided to hike a trail connected to a famous swimmin' hole here in Greenbrier County: Blue Bend.  We left my house at noon and returned around 6, right before the sun completely faded away.  The hike was one of those eerie kind of beautifuls, full of  whimsy footpaths and weather-bent trees.  Much of the forest was still corrupted from the storm that ripped into West Virginia this past summer.  We could tell their hadn't been many people on the trail.  I guess it was January.  But there were a few invading footprints at certain points along the snow-speckled path.  Most likely, they were from hunters (I took a bright blue backpack just to be sure). 

Blue Marks the Spot - Keep Going

"An eerie kind of beautiful."

There were moments when I just knew one of us were going to lose our balance and slip down the steep, tree-flecked hill that would most assuredly be our death.  Okay, maybe that's dramatic, but there is no doubt in my mind we would have broken something, even if it was our pride.  It was scary at certain points.  The temperature was fifty that day, so there was no need to wear boots.  I was very wrong.  By the end, my feet were soaked, numb, and I believe I had strained muscles I didn't even know existed.  

Overlooking gorgeous West Virginia land

Right when we had reached our limits, physically and mentally, we saw it.  The long-awaited lookout.  We could see for miles.  The mountains were still covered with snow and we could faintly see black dots in the fields, which I assumed were cattle.  The colors were so vibrant.  We stood in deep respect and honor to be blessed with this view,  and I knew at that moment that the trek had been totally worth 
it. 

"We stood in deep respect."

I store those moments in my mind, and on my phone, as a remembrance of the beautiful place God has given us to live.  But even more surreal is that the eerie kind of beautiful that haunted the hike is the same kind of beauty that Christ himself holds.  He is merciful, but He is also just.  He is protecting, but He also lets us choose how we want to live.  He is all-knowing - a creepy and incomprehensible yet comforting thought all in itself.  But beyond all the theology and edification of scripture, we will and always will be drawn to Him. His beauty and entailing adventure He has called us on.

When we reached the bottom, we had hiked over six or seven miles (we might have gotten lost once, and it may or may not have been my fault). The physical trials my body endured will be forgotten, as well as the minutes that kept my mind and soul in a state of danger and fascination. But the snapshots I stored in my memory will continue to remain there, as well as the prodding twinge for captivating adventures.





Trekking the Wild,

Elizabeth