Beauty-full, Part 1

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  Psalm 139:14

Oh, how I love this verse. If you know me well, you'll know that I have devoted my life to this verse.  After many years of struggling with an eating disorder and trying to constantly be fitter, stronger, leaner, I found my spirit exhausted and ugly. It was, and continues to be, a dark, haunting sin; I pray every morning for restoration - a clean mind and a pure heart.

The last few years have shaped me. God has opened my eyes to His love for me, no matter what I look like as long as I am developing a healthy lifestyle and joyful soul. With that being said, I daily seek out His promises in the Word.  The Bible has been my instruction book lately. I'm not good with directions - just ask Jon. So I have put my trust totally, completely, and wholly in God.

But I still struggle. And unfortunately, I know it will be a struggle I'll deal with, well, forever.

I have hidden my scales. OK - I didn't technically "hide" them, but I put them on the highest shelf in our bathroom closet so that I wasn't tempted to jump on them. After getting out of college, finding a new job (and then another), being engaged and planning a wedding, getting married, holidays, etc.  I had put on a few pounds. I thought I was OK with it.  I thought I had trained myself to accept where I am in life and realize I'll never be the weight I was in high school. But I was mistaken.

A few months ago, I went on another crazy restrictive diet. I have IBS... Yes, I know. Gross. But, hey, it's part of living in this sinful world. Imperfections, right? So my diet is already extremely limited. I have to eat gluten-free and watch how much acid I eat. Dairy is also bad, as well as some vegetables and beans. Golly! It's been a huge undertaking. With that being said, "diets" are really hard for me. But - being the stubborn or I like to say "determined" - individual I am, I dieted.

Every morning I would hop on the scales, only to be disappointed by the neon red numbers plastered across the three inch screen. Oh how such a small thing can make such a large impact on the soul. Up three pounds, down one. Down two pounds, up five.  It's the curse of being a woman: constant weight fluctuation. My days would go according to the number. Down two pounds? Woo hoo! It would be a good day for sure! Up one? The day could not possibly get any longer. You get the picture.

So! I have decided to challenge myself to see how long I can go without weighing myself. As a matter of fact, I might just get rid of the flashing red, tormenting box all together. We don't notice the gentle slope of mental-destruction until God proves how ridiculous we are. And we can never, ever, EVER be restored unless we seek Him with our whole heart.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Daily, I seek out verses that prove God's love for me. And He has revealed to me how that this struggle of mine is not only a fleshly weakness but a sin. Weaknesses are pitied.  They are lifted high, given attention to, and granted excuses for. That's not my goal. I have drawn attention away from my sin for far too long. I want to accept it for what it is and ask for forgiveness for it.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

Yesterday, I was studying a verse in Habakkuk that a respected friend had told me to read. And as I was reading, I happened to read the whole book... If you've never read this book of the Bible, go read it! It's beautiful! And if you're willing to study it a little, you'll find wisdom kindly nestled between the lines.

The verse I found on my adventure for precious wisdom, Habakkuk 2:18, perfectly described the situation.

What profit is the image, that its maker should carve it, the molded image, a teacher of lies, that the maker of its mold should trust in it, to make mute idols?

Oh, how true! The image, the idol is formed by its sin-ridden maker. It is created from human hands. Each portion of the image is carved using worldly tools.  The Lord asks, "Why would you trust in a man-made idol? Why would you ask it for healing? Why would you trust in its 'lies'? Why would you put your souls very existence in something that YOU have shaped? It is pointless. It will do you no good."

 My body - our bodies - must be treated with great care.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19

God has "formed my inward parts" (Psalm 139:13). Why should I try to make it something it is not. I go to the gym to "sculpt" my legs. I limit my food intake to "trim" my waist. I try my very hardest to make my body what it is not. And for what purpose?

There isn't one.  The Lord plainly tells us how purposeless it is for us to spend so much time making ourselves look a certain way, be a certain size, wear certain clothes that parade all of our hard work. I am reminded of the countless hours I spend morning after morning staring in the mirror trying to find something to wear; the hours I spend jumping on the treadmill because I "just have to run two miles" to feel complete for the day; the times I need "a few extra minutes" to look over the menu to make sure what I put in my mouth won't be detrimental to my diet; the number of sit-ups, push-ups, high knees I push my body through to be more, to be better - carving my idol.

My body, my idol. Oh, how God must look down and see a foolish girl. A girl who bypasses her Creator each and every day. A girl who misses out on beautiful moments of life because she is too busy carving her already perfect image. I want to see through His eyes.

So I pray. I pray hard. Every day, I pray that the Lord will help me to accept ME for who I am and to stop trying to change a perfect piece of His handiwork. I want the Lord to help me rid my mind and soul of this sin. It's a sin. I have learned that if I accept it as a sin, I'll quit delaying the healing my body needs. If I just ask, I know He promises to forgive me and remedy my weakness.

Maybe you know what this is like? Maybe you find yourself jumping on the scales in the morning to define yourself, or pushing yourself harder and harder at the gym so that you can fit into those skinny jeans.  Let me just tell you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And I promise, with every ounce of my heart, that GOD LOVES YOU. And he has made you perfect, already! Our appearance doesn't make us ready for heaven. And if we spend too much time focusing on selfish gain, we will watch the world slip through our fingers to our enemy. So beYOUtiful.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

So journey with me to becoming -full.

Beauty-full.




From your soul sister,

Elizabeth