Unexpected

This wasn't in the plan. You know, that major plan that everyone has laid out for their life. The one that dictates the next step: graduate high school, go to college, meet a handsome fella, get a job after college, get married, wait a few years before having kids... That's the plan.

When I woke up one morning feeling sorta sick, I didn't pay much attention to it. I have a horrible immune system, so I just figured I had picked up something. And then I started to notice how tired I was. One evening, I fell asleep on the couch with Jon (at like six o'clock). My desire for coffee disappeared. As a matter of fact, the thought of it almost disgusted me. So long Starbucks! And I was late...you know what that means. Although, this wasn't unusual for me.

After about three days of my sickness intensifying, Jon looked at me at dinner and said, "Maybe your pregnant." He had a smirk on his face and laughed at his own joke. There shouldn't have been anyway I was pregnant... My returning look allowed him to understand just what I was thinking. 

"We need to stop by CVS this evening," I said under my breath.

His smile disappeared.

There was a girl in CVS. Younger than me, she had a little one on her hip. Her mother was with her. I noticed the exhausted marks under her eyes. She seemed calm but not content. Had I been there for makeup remover or lip gloss, I might have never noticed her. But unfortunately, I wasn't. 

It seemed to take me forever to find them: the little pink boxes plastered with a cheerful woman. I think that's deceiving. As a matter of fact, I think they should have some pink, cheerful ones and then some grey, emotionless boxes. That way they would be more appealing to all customers. I wasn't there for a pink one. 

"Why are there twenty different types of tests?" I thought to myself. "I just need one."

Considering this was just a test to appease my mental and emotional state of being - and it was going to be negative - I went with the smart choice and bought the CVS brand. The lady who checked me out was all smiles, making small talk about the beautiful day. I know in her mind she probably thought I was ecstatic - racing home to see if the little blue lines show up. Little did she know, I was aching inside. I just wanted to make it through those swinging doors, unnoticed. 

We carried it around in the car with us for the rest of the evening. I felt as if I had done something wrong, like I was carrying around some illegal substance or something. What if someone looked in the door (and through the plastic bag with their ultra vision goggles) to see what we were hiding. And of course, we ran into someone we knew.

When you live in a small town and both you and your husband were born and raised there, there's a very large possibility you'll be noticed. I had to slide it under the seat as we sat with windows down discussing plans for the weekend. 

On the way home, I read every instruction and how-to on the fold-out. I was determined not to mess it up. It said the best time to take it was in the morning. This meant I would have to wait...that dreaded word. 

Jon was really quiet the next morning. We woke up at 5:20 AM, as usual. I packed his lunch and sat with him for a few minutes until he looked at me and said he'd better go. I walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye, as I do everyday. Then he turned around. 

"Let me know what the test says," he told me as he walked away.

He was smiling. He knew my heart was racing. When I am an emotional mess, he has a way of lifting me up and assuring my soul that everything is alright. And that God always has a plan. It may not be what we intended or wanted, but our Plan B was his Plan all along. He's my rock.

I waited a few minutes, staring blankly at the morning news. 

As I walked upstairs to face my doom, I knew what the test would say. I had been too sick for far too long. And this hormonal sick is unlike any normal sickness. It's a nagging, debilitating stomach ache. It's terrible.

I read the instructions one more time. When the Box AND the Circle has a line through it, your pregnant. When only the Box has a line, you're not pregnant. Got it. 

Without even waiting the "two minutes" the box recommends - actually I didn't have to wait at all - the bright blue line seemed to sparkle in the Circle. I knew it would. But the finality of the neon Circle seemed to push me over the edge. I walked into our bedroom, in shock, and just sat there for almost an hour. Thoughts raced through my head.

"How did this happen? 

I can't be pregnant.

Jon's going to flip.

What are we going to do?

We weren't supposed to have children yet.

What happened to waiting three years so Jon and I could have quality time?

I'm going to get fat.

I won't be able to run as much.

I'm not a mom.
I'm still a kid.

I don't even know how to hold an infant.

Should I have bought the brand name test?

Could it be wrong?

No, it's not wrong.

Why am I sooooo sick?

I hope it's not twins.

We don't have room for a child.

We'll have to move.
But where?

I have three weddings to be in next month.

I'll be sick on our vacation!

What is Jon going to think?

How will I ever tell my parents or friends?

I'm the one who said I wasn't ready to have kids yet.

I'm not ready to have a kid yet.

Lord, why did you allow this to happen?"

And there, right there, I did the very thing I said I'd never do. I know that God has everything in His control. He knows what's best for us, even when we don't. So why question Him? Why not just accept it - as hard and as difficult as it might be? He know's the why.

Because we're human. And I've come to find out that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've had difficult things happen in my life. I've experienced losses, and break ups, and upsets of my plan, and church moves, and hurts from other people. But this was different. It was almost as if life as I knew it had ended. And it did to some extent. 

I was confused - very confused. And when the second test showed just as positive as the first, I melted all over again. I sat around the house the rest of the day just pondering. I was sick, for one thing, and there's not much you can do when you have to run to the toilet every so often. But I was mentally unable to deal with anyone or anything. I just wanted Jon to come home. He would know what to do.

I had text him the news earlier, but didn't discuss it much because he was at work. I didn't have to hide from anyone, he did.

When he walked in the door, I slouched down in the recliner, put my hands on my face and my head down. 

"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

He came over and hugged me as the tears just started flowing. Both of us in shock, he just sat with me. When I had let out all the tears I had, I walked upstairs with him as he looked at the tests. 

"So the Circle means it's positive?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Did you take them both at the same time?" He was obviously looking for a way of escape, too.

"No. I waited a few hours," I mumbled. "But it was still very positive."

As I stared blankly at the tests, he walked into the bedroom and laid down on the bed. It was his turn to contemplate. I laid down beside him. Both of us feeling inadequate for the job at hand and too surprised to know how to handle it. I looked up at him. His big tender-hearted eyes filled with tears. Mine did too. So we sat for almost an hour, holding onto each other, praying for answers.
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I'm good now. And he's great! I don't think I've ever seen him so excited. But it has taken time. The Lord had to deal with my heart for a while.

I never understood people being mad at the Lord. How could you distance yourself from the one and only Great I Am, the Prince of Peace, the Creator of the universe? If He made us, then He obviously knows what's best for us.

But sometimes our humanity gets a hold of us. We think we have everything laid out just perfectly in our scrapbook of life. We have all the pictures of the places we want to go and the people we want to spend it with just waiting to be permanently glued. And just when we reach for the glue gun, the wind blows all our our perfectly organized pictures and captions in the floor. We get mad.

After months of praying and taking all my insecurities to the Lord, I've picked all those pictures and backgrounds and funny captions and plans of adventures up off the floor. I've decided to leave my book blank - waiting for Him to pick out the content. I'll just follow His lead.

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I'm 16 weeks now. WOW! Yes, I'm just as shocked as you. The morning sickness has ceased (yay!), and I am ready to take on the world - just as long as I can take a nap and grab a snack every few hours or so.

The Lord is dealing with my heart daily. He is working on making it softer and kinder. It's not about me - or even Jon - anymore. Everything I do and say hinders on this little one inside me. I need to be the best me for little one. I need to have the closest relationship with the Lord for little one's sake. I need to eat nutritious (except for the Cheerwine in my fridge) and eat enough for little one's growth. I need to be careful exercising for little one. And most importantly, I need to rely on the Lord and trust Him with my whole heart for little one.

Pray with me as we hike up this mountain of life together! You may not be unexpectedly pregnant, but I know for you there's something. Something you can't quite wrap your head around or understand. Just remember...

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8

Until next time!




Sincerely,

Elizabeth