At Bible study the other night, one of the girls asked to pray for her because she was struggling with surrendering Her entire life to Him. She just wanted to be used by Him - no matter what the cost. I sent her home with a comforting warning and a laugh, knowing just what she was getting herself into. It took me back to this past spring as I tearfully sat in worship surrendering my all.
I had been struggling for months. My heart and my head hurt from trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Not only was my struggle emotional but it was physical. I ached. My body was resisting the pressure I was putting on it. I had been sick several times that semester. But something you don't know is the fact that I am a work-out-aholic. Literally, I love to push my body to new limits. Control is a struggle for me. I like to be in control, know every plan, and tend to thrive from stability. So keeping my body in shape is a way for me to know at least part of my life is in my hands.
However, I was tired. And when I say tired, I mean exhausted from thinking, doing, and over thinking every area of my life. That's something about me, too. Over thinking is an awful habit I picked up. Well, maybe my introversion has something to do with it. Either way, my brain was fried. I had no plans for the summer, my family had been chaotic for the last year or so with my Pawpaw's sickness and then death, my best friend was hours upon hours from my reach, and my mental state was numb. I don't even know how to describe the agony I fought. I needed help.
I sat right there in the auditorium of our FCS meetings and poured my heart out. I told Him I would do anything He wanted me to. I would go anywhere He needed me to. I would face any circumstance in order to be in His will and help the hurting. I was stupid. Totally Kidding! But it was the most critical, heart wrenching decision I have ever made.
From that point forward, God has used me. And I'm discovering, it comes with mighty costs. Have you ever reached that point where you feel you have nothing left? That He has taken away the ones you love, the comfort of home (or wherever you find peace), the ability to have control of anything? I'm here now. I am at a point of vulnerability that I never imagined I would reach. The slight pinch from a friend could probably bring me to tears. Yet, I know I am being strengthened.
I read a cool quote the other day...
Reaching the point of a break down is not always a bad thing. It brings you to a point of staring over. Being able to be whatever you want.Well obviously it's not perfectly quoted, but in my own words, that's what I read. I liked it. Some times we feel the need to be so strong, so immovable, so hard, so dry from any ounce of salty tears that we forget its OK. We forget that having a momentary, or extended, freak-out is alright. God wants us to be weak. He wants to rid us of any of our own strength so He can fill us back up with His strength.
Being called "His" has a huge responsibility. He can form you into whatever you want to be. And we can resent the change as much as we want, but I promise you, He only wants to give you the desires of you heart (Psalm 37:4). The future He has in store for you is exciting and adventurous (Jeremiah 29:11)!
Remember, I'm right in your boat. I am sitting right next to you fishing for the invisible fish (or so it seems). But one day, we're gonna catch the big one! The one we have waited our whole life for. The one that we can proudly tell our grandchildren about. The one we can bring home with pride. It's all about one thing: patience. This is something that is difficult to obtain, but well worth it.
I can't say that I'll ever be "patient". I am a slightly impatient person, and I have decided that God made me this way. But I can learn to be content - as can you. Contentment comes when the waters are still, the fish aren't biting, your miserable, but when you glance up too see the bird flying overhead, you notice the most beautiful sunset, right over the mountaintop. It's then you realize that had you actually been "slaying bass" (as my brother would say) then you would have completely missed the beauty of the moment sitting right in front of you. Don't miss the beauty while your waiting on adventure. Waiting is simply part of the journey.
Trust Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). He knows what He's doing.
Watching the wait,
Elizabeth
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